Taking Back Power

photo by the wonderful Chelsey Preuss (aka chelseyhome)

I am writing this to explain more in depth what I have learned about the healthy role of astrology, tarot and the Cards of Truth in an individual’s life. When I first started my career in astrology I felt as though I had discovered the missing key. With this key I intended to find the truth about myself, others and the universe. I felt an excitement each time I picked up an astrology chart or later, cast one in my vedic astrology software. I spent hours pouring over books written by western and vedic astrologers that seemed to describe my future failures and successes. I felt as though I was preparing myself for any challenges to come and that I was in a better position because of it. In terms of knowing my future successes, well, that just brought me a great sense of certainty. I no longer needed hope or faith. Life was certain, planned and I found that the harder I dug, the more I would find the things that I wanted to happen revealing themselves for me in the cards or my chart. Every tarot reading I did brought me a sense of power and fulfillment even. Better yet, I was able to offer these tools for others.

I have been reading tarot for 20 years and practicing astrology on myself or others for nearly a decade. I have predicted a lot of things: breakups, makeups, marriages, births, meeting new love, making money, getting sick, amongst so many other things. I predicted so many things for others, but also for myself. I knew every time I was going to have a fight with my now ex-boyfriend. I knew exactly when I was going to move to a new country and even the year I was going to return. I knew that during 2020 I would for some unknown reason be locked outside of my country- for better or worse (Covid-19). I also knew if each of my endeavors would be a success or failure. Sometimes this knowing kept me from pursuing certain ideas or taking certain paths.

I have thought a lot about whether or not this knowing has really helped me or not. Let’s take for example 2020 and the fact that I knew I could possibly be locked out of my country. Due to this foresight I brought many more things back with me than normal when I left the USA last. I brought cases of drawing materials and paints, canvas, watercolor paper, my favorite lotions and toothpaste, journals, sketchbooks and more. I had 2 huge suitcases packed to the maximum with everything I thought I would need for about a year abroad. I had a feeling that prices might go up so I also splurged on some things that I didn’t really need now, but might in the future.

This prepping was all well and good. Except over time it wasn’t. I did end up being stuck outside of the USA- in Costa Rica and all of the stuff I brought back with me ended up being a burden more than anything else. While I use a lot of art supplies, journals and toiletries, the amount I brought was excessive. Moreover, due to the high humidity in Costa Rica and my lack of experience storing art supplies in said climate, many of my supplies began to fall apart, mold and waste away in front of my eyes.

In the end I spent much more time cleaning, drying and trying to preserve these supplies than I ever spent using them. I also lost some of them due to the damp conditions. After a while and much research I found some really nice plastic boxes to keep all of them in with something called dessicant that helps to soak up any lingering moisture that might be found inside of the tubs. I found this solution really wonderful, but having my stuff safe and in boxes did not relieve me of my burden. I ended up moving so many times within Costa Rica during the year I was there that I was moving my boxes of art supplies around between houses and apartments several times a month and during certain periods several times a week. The boxes were heavy, loaded with dozens of tubes of paints and thick paper. Dessicant that had soaked up humidity turned to water and sometimes that water would spill and destroy my supplies. It was a headache to deal with and I spent the majority of my time struggling with art supply related issues.

I think this is a valid example to bring up because it is physical. You can easily picture me with a bunch of boxes of art supplies carrying them to and fro amongst different buildings in the tropics. However, I have found the burden of other predictions to be just as heavy and encumbering. The knowledge of a break up in the past has often led me to act differently or overcompensate. The knowledge of a successful project has led me to put my trust in those who ultimately were not trustworthy and to engage in collaborations that ended up harming me emotionally and financially. Most importantly the weight of prediction has at times stopped me from pursuing that which my heart and soul were calling me to do. In my opinion, that is the biggest loss.

So, what is the importance of all of this? Well, it’s because even after experiencing this and being very conscious of how prediction has negatively impacted me, I still believe that astrology, tarot and the Cards of Truth have a valid role on the spiritual journey. However, I also know now that there is so much more to spiritual development. Astrology, tarot and the Cards of Truth are not a be all end all, they are simply a part of the path. They are modalities that attempt to describe an individual as well as their life within the constraints of each of their mediums, to offer guidance and support and many times predictions. That is not necessarily bad, but at a certain point in any spiritual seeker’s path one must take full responsibility over themselves and well as their life and reality. Powerful people, whether we deem them “spiritual” or not, embody this quality. Powerful people define themselves in their own terms, they do not let others choose their weaknesses or their strengths. Powerful people know that they have it within them to overcome weaknesses and ignore their strengths if they want to. Powerful people use their willpower as a tool to shape their reality as well as themselves. Powerful people do not need predictions about the future to guide them as they create their future and believe in their ability to deal with any obstacle that comes their way. They are confident in who they are and what they can and cannot achieve.

We seek things outside of ourself to define us and to describe our reality back to us when we are not fully in our power. I know that I did this. I did this even without seeking astrology, tarot and the Cards of Truth. I remember when I first started making music that I really wanted to work with a music producer. I didn’t know anything about music production and I felt that working with a music producer would allow me to focus on singing and songwriting and save me a lot of time and energy learning how to use various softwares and gathering new equipment. However, I never found anyone to work with, so I began teaching myself how to produce music. Every once in a while I would reach out for support and guidance from friends and acquaintances who also made music. One person I would always turn to was James. James was an incredibly enigmatic person. When I met him he didn’t have very much going for him, no cool job or nice car, no interesting talents to mention, but he did have great taste and an extensive knowledge of music. He spent hours online reading articles on music sites and listening to new and interesting music. He also had a lot of cool friends that were musicians and DJs in Minneapolis where I was living at the time. He seemed to have a finger on the pulse of some kind of budding underground scene filled with great music and interesting art. I admired that and so I really took into account his opinions and ideas. Chatting with James in the beginning always felt good. I say “chatting,” because our communication was primarily online over AOL instant messenger and later text messaging. He supported my music and my path, he was always encouraging even when I was doing very experimental and out of the box things. He was one of my best friends. Something happened, I am not sure what, but at some point James ended up meeting a woman named Claire. She was making incredible music and her band was starting to take off. Suddenly James quit talking to me. After 8 years of communication, there was nothing. I reached out with no response. I tried again and again with no response. Soon I saw pictures of him and interviews with him in some of the biggest music blogs during that time. Claire, now his girlfriend, was becoming more and more famous. James more and more far away.

I really struggled after I lost that friendship. For a long time I tried to figure out why. Here was a friend that bailed on me when he met someone who was more famous and successful and as he got more successful he cut even more people out of his life until his entire social circle was only famous people. Why should I care about maintaining a friendship with someone like that? However, I did. It took me many years to realize why. James was powerful. When I spoke to James there was no such thing as opinion. James stated his opinion as fact. If he thought a band was terrible, then that band was just “terrible” no dispute and any writer that had said otherwise was “stupid.” If James thought that I shouldn’t be friends with someone that he thought was bad then if I stayed friends with that person I was, necessarily, bad. There was no “gray area” with James. There wasn’t even black and white. There was simply his version of the world and no other version. He had such a beautiful and enigmatic way of expressing his worldview, he was convincing and relentless as well. After a certain point you start to question your own opinions and viewpoints. At least that is what I did as did his other best friend. We were mesmerized. You don’t realize you are mesmerized until the illusion fades. James spent a lot of time telling me what kind of artist and musician I could be. He even told me women could be only one of two things, cute or hot… I was cute so I could not be hot (according to him)! He created a reality and placed me in it giving me reasons and validations that made me believe it. After a lot of time away from him I realized how ludicrous his reality was and how stifled I was by taking that on as my reality as well. I limited myself as a musician, producer, artist and woman simply because of this reality that I thought existed, because someone I cared about convinced me of it.

James had done a successful job of defining me, defining my reality and describing my strengths and weaknesses according to him. For a long time I lived my life within these definitions. After I realized I was doing so, I thought I was free, but I found myself only limiting myself again, but this time with astrology, tarot and the Cards of Truth. I think those of us with abusive or traumatic pasts have a tendency to lean on these types of modalities. Being defined by something external is all we have ever known and when that external structure fades away we crave for and search after a new one. Even if that structure doesn’t truly suit us or perhaps doesn’t allow us to be our best selves, at the very least we feel as though we exist. Without it what are we? How can we be something without being defined?

So I spent the majority of my youth having horrible authorities define me and the majority of my 20s having faulty relationships and astrology and cards define me. These are also the years I refer to as my “crying era,” because from childhood until my late 20s I cried almost every single day,

ATTENTION: I started writing this essay years ago! Now it is Nicole of the future continuing this essay. Since then I have had many revelations that I will share in this next section. So much has been understood. Let’s get into it…

A new era.

As I mentioned, I started writing this essay several years ago. Back then my idea of taking back my own power meant to act from self will. To define myself for myself. I think this was a very necessary step in coming back home to myself. This got me really far. It helped me to escape the clutch that astrology, cards and tarot as well as abusive types of relationships had on me. I was able to slowly pull myself away from these predictive modalities and I started offering more of my coaching services, a part of my business that had always been in the back seat.

During those couple of years I faced the repercussions of that switch. It was much harder for me to make money. Nearly everyone wants to know when they’re going to be rich, famous or in love. Hardly anyone cares about removing themselves from the chains of their past… developing discernment or growing in virtue. It is almost impossible to even visualize what that means, but it is so easily pleasing and instantly gratifying to receive a prediction! Life coaching equates to very hard work within, whereas receiving a prediction is no work at all. You just show up and you are told what you want to hear most of the time! Or if that isn’t good enough you’ll hear what you want to hear from another reader, which is why so many querents (tarot speak for he/she/they who is being read) turn into addicts! Within myself I was pleased with this switch. I was honoring my integrity as it was changing and evolving with my new belief system, but it did impact my finances and my following. I lost audience members daily. I was barely scraping by… and my personal life wasn’t doing any better.

As I continued to pull away from external definitions of myself I noticed that many people in my life started to fall away too. I lost many friendships during that time. A lot of my community and close connections were formed around my study and rise in the field of astrology. I normally communicated daily with fellow astrologers, they were my peers and confidants, but it didn’t feel right to continue with these close connections when our values had completely drifted apart. With that and the ending of a very important romantic relationship in my life, I felt totally alone. Yes, I had called back my power, but I didn’t feel powerful. I felt instead very desperate, very worried, very alone and just totally devastated that I had been being true to myself, my heart and my integrity and even so, nothing was working out for me. How could it be that I did everything “right” and even was doing “right” by myself and yet still nothing was “working out.”

Two years into this transformative period I just completely broke down. I’ve always had huge wounds when it has come to making money (growing up in a family where we never had enough) and with love! At this point I wasn’t making any money and no matter the relationship and my heart of hearts and effort of effort I would be left broken hearted. I recall one night laying on the floor in my windowless bathroom. Maybe that sounds absurd but that is always where I would meditate. It is the darkest room and it is the most quiet. It is also small, like the perfect little meditation closet! I was lying there after meditating and a flood of emotions overcame me I cried and cried with so many different thoughts: I was a failure, no one was ever going to love me, I just bought this huge house and found a peaceful home, but how am I going to take care of it if I wasn’t making any money, I had no one to rely on, if I failed no one was going to help me not even my family as they never had before, that maybe the rest of my life was just going to be me living in poverty in my home alone with my two cats, I was in the middle of nowhere away from the ocean (which I loved so much) and with no true friends. I was SO sad.

I cried and cried. I felt so desperate and sad, but I just kept crying. I cried until there weren’t really any tears left. I wailed and writhed and sobbed! After hours of crying I had a thought. It was so small, but it changed my life. I thought, “my life really isn’t that bad, so many people have it way worse… even if I can’t see it or feel it right now there MUST be a way for me to find happiness, even in this exact situation.” It was like I came to a point of acceptance. I had a moment of wisdom to understand that life couldn’t possibly have made a mistake. I am really grateful for that moment as it wasn’t very logical for me to arrive at that thought.

Once the acceptance settled into me something profound happened. I just let it all go within myself. I let this chasing after my dreams, longing, searching for “something” outside of myself to make me happy go. I just sat with what is.

Now this part is going to sound made up, but it is true. Instantaneously as I let go of the struggle I was filled with something that I will never be able to describe fully with words. I think in Christian terms this would be called the holy spirit. It was the most amazing moment of my life. I was filled completely with this unconditional love. It was a love so powerful that I was brought to my knees. I have heard people say things like this before and I thought they were exaggerating or seeking attention, but it was true. This overwhelming love just humbled me and brought me to the ground. It was like for the first time in my life I was able to see myself clearly. This unconditional love in a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds calmed me, consoled me and made me realize that even as imperfect as I am and even with all of my mistakes and flaws I am loved and therefore am perfect in my imperfections. I have never been loved like that before. I had never in my life felt a greater love. It was like the blindfold had been taken off, the veil had been lifted. I felt grateful, blessed, beautiful, perfect, but also I felt grief-- grief that I had been so wrong in my ways for so many years. I had hated myself, I had de-valued myself I had lived in fear and worry and shame for so long. I knew within seconds of feeling this great unconditional love how damaging it was for me to live that way.

It was in that moment that I felt I had actually started to live. Like life had just began! I felt in that moment that having experienced that great unconditional love was the greatest accomplishment of my life and it would always be, no matter how many more “goals” I accomplish, I had already received the great reward. My whole entire body was filled with this blissful, ecstatic sensation unlike anything I had ever experienced and a billion times better than all of the good things I had ever felt combined. I knew that God, a higher power, source, the infinite (whatever you want to call it) was real and I knew that this higher power loved me and that I was made real by this love… not by the definitions found in astrology or my old friend James.

So now we see a trajectory of being defined from the outside to self definition to definition by way of surrendering to a higher power. Each of these phases I feel is necessary, but so few are willing to give up their self definition because they like that feeling of being in control and they are unwilling to accept themselves as they are, not via the identity they have created thanks to their accomplishments. I ask you, what is the point of a lamp if it is not plugged into electricity? How about your cell phone? Would you even want to keep your current cell phone if you were not able to charge it? Personal power from self definition can take us far… just as a dead iphone is a great paperweight, but the iphone wasn’t invented to be a paperweight, that is not its purpose!

I spent a lot of my life having people be my God, then a few years where I played God to others and myself. These last 2+ years where I have actually found God, infinite, source (I hate language because it divides, but it is what I have!) or in other words plugged myself in to something greater, have been the best years of my life! These years are blissful, peaceful, flowing, gorgeous, love beyond love, happiness beyond happiness, grace beyond grace. Every cell of my body sings and is filled with bliss and contentment. It is such a beautiful feeling and so hard to describe but I am trying.

I spent the majority of my life crying! I spent the majority of my life trying to be loved and trying to become someone worthy of love and now I live fully in love and am a vessel of love without any effort, because the truth is I was always loved and was always worthy of love. The craziest part about all of this is that my circumstance in my external reality have not really changed at all, my finances are extremely rough and the love that I have sought on the outside is still far away! Still I have peace, still I have contentment, still I am one million times happier than I have ever been, no matter the shining moment I was celebrating back before all of this. My worst day now is better than my best day then.

So the summary of this all is that maybe it is true that we all need to go through the darkness. There is a quote in the Bible that states, “we are sown in our corruption.” It is almost as if we must experience the bullshit in life in order to one day grow in the light of the sun. Think of a seed planted then topped up with some nice cow manure. It is necessary! I guess I just write these words, because some people remain there… in the bullshit. They don’t realize that there is sun, there are stars, there is wind… there is the possibility of growing roots and drinking of the great drink; of being alive rather than a little seed that is simply potential, unrealized.

I want people to know that realization is possible now, not after you’re dead, not after someone comes and saves you… no one is going to save you! You must crack open, you must dig your roots deep, you must believe even with the tiniest amount of faith in something greater and reach towards it. One day the light of the sun will warm you. One day the light of the sun will penetrate you and grow you and while you’re reaching towards the sun you will become one with it and together become something greater than you could have ever been without this merging.

Astrology, cards and tarot are great. They are helpful. For a time! When one receives the call to cast them aside however, answer it. Believe in the great peace. Believe in the breaking open. Believe in the unconditional, the unending, the all loving. Lean on my faith if you cannot lean on yours, but do not remain forever in the darkness. A quote from Kabir to close this essay: “If you do not break your chains while you’re alive do you think ghosts will do it when you’re dead?” Heaven is for the living. Seek peace while you’re alive. May your crying era be over and may you surrender to the unconditional love that has always been and will always be loving you.